New Motherhood: Adjusting Expectations for Myself

There are many expectations I had for myself as a mom. Here I am holding baby.

Last updated on July 26th, 2023 at 02:59 pm

I’m a new mom– and I’m in the throes of a messy breakup with my unrealistically high expectations for myself.

This seems like a no-brainer, right?

Before my child was born, I was aware of comparison traps and my special shooting-myself-in-the-foot ability to dream up sky-high plans for myself.

That didn’t stop me from falling into a frustrating cycle of setting high expectations and being devastated in the disappointment of not meeting them.

New to motherhood, I have to adjust my expectations. Here I am with my daughter looking at jasmine flowers.

Confessions of a recovering Do-Everything-Yourselfer

I didn’t get around to sewing matching mother-daughter dresses for us to wear and showcase at baby’s first birthday party.

I didn’t finish her embroidered birth announcement.

I didn’t get past month two of those month milestone pictures where you lay your baby on a decorated blanket and hover over them and try to snap a photo between tortured cries.

I didn’t succeed in cloth diapering all the time.

I didn’t serve her only organic foods.

Seeking balance in expectations

Excellence is a great thing. I’m happy many people in history have dedicated themselves to achieving excellence. Think of all of the wonderful advancements and brave, heroic things people have done.

What if Michaelangelo had simply thrown up his hands after painting a rudimentary design on the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling and declared, “Eh, I’m more of a sculptor, so this is good enough”?

There is a place for the intense pursuit of something great. That place is not this place right now.

My version of something great balances a lot of things– family, faith, friendships, health, career.

Because I have multiple important goals all at once, I had to square myself up with the fact that perfection would not be an attainable level in any one area. I’d have to compromise and balance them.

The thing about the highly-sought after concept of balance is that the levels of focus in each category won’t be same forever. Priorities shift as life ambles on, and so I’m in need of frequent reflection on how to best distribute my efforts.

Learning which expectations are realistic

Diving into any new life stage or undertaking seems to come with a (painful) period of learning not only how to survive the journey, but how to make plans and prioritize and get things done.

That’s why there was such a mismatch in expectations and reality when I became a mom. Until I was in this new role, I had no real idea for how much time or energy I’d have to dedicate to different goals.

When I was pregnant, one of my friends, knowing how much I love to cook and bake, made a comment about how I’ll probably love making homemade baby food. I chuckled in agreement. After all, I am known to make my own homemade everything, from noodles to pizza dough to mayonnaise.

I could envision myself happily blending the most nutritious organic foods into an artisanal puree I’d then pot into glass jars and arrange on the fridge shelf in aesthetic rainbow order.

That dream was not to be.

Of course, there was an immense chasm between what I thought I’d have time for and what I actually had time for when baby came.

I did manage to puree soft roasted sweet potato with some chicken bone broth to fill up four compartments in a silicone baby food container. It was pretty great!

But you know what else is great? The little jars of baby food already prepared, ready to pop the lid off and serve right then.

When it comes to using homemade and convenience items, I found I liked the middle. I like being able to choose based on the situation. Priorities shift, wrenches get thrown into best-laid plans, and kids increase life’s unpredictability quotient.

Embracing help and drive thrus

Part of creating realistic expectations for myself is aknowledging that I can be a different version of myself in this season of life.

For example, right before having kids, obtaining food through drive-thrus was only for emergency situations and Apocalyptic circumstances.

Now I am totally a fan, any day I well please.

Recently, I took advantage of this wonderful feature of modernity. I rolled into the drive thru line at a popular taco joint, exchanged payment, and quickly secured a filling and delicious lunch for myself. The cashier propped her elbow up on the drive thru window sill and cast me a knowing grin: “Lots of hungry moms today!” she observed out loud and winked as if to say, “Hey, I know it can be tough. You’ve got this!”

I thanked her quietly for doing the Lord’s work and motored to a parking area where I could safely unwrap my burrito. Lunch and encouragement, all while my baby was safe and held by her car seat. A true wonder!

Much like Pam Beesly from the Office recognized that she “felt God in this Chili’s,” I similarly “felt seen in the Taco Bell drive-thru.”

Sometimes I reflect on how different fast food Charmaine is from her slightly younger self, who used to make butter out of pastured, local milk and use that to make even more labor-intensive foods. Do I miss that part of myself? Maybe a little. I get to visit with her from time to time. But I love being a mom. And right now, this is what life looks like, so I’m trying to embrace that.

A list of things I’m into now that I’m a mom: